In the wise words of a modern day sage “Oops, I did it again”.  I don’t know what happened last night. I didn’t even think about blogging!  I’m telling you, I am forgetting EVERYTHING right now!  I know I have a lot on my mind with homecoming next week, feeding the football team for team dinner tomorrow night, soccer practices and everyday life.  But, come on!  What is going on?!

Is this an age thing?  Am I going to forget more and more the older I get?  Am I too relaxed not working and things are slipping through the cracks?  I hate to think that when I had less time I got more done!  But sometimes I think that is the way it works.  I think you can’t afford to not be on point all the time when time is so limited.  Every minute needs to be useful and accounted for.

So how to fix this?  Organize, focus, prioritize?  Sounds like work :). But I guess it’s not that bad.  Slowing down does not mean slacking off.  I need to find a happy medium.  And, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I have no medium.  I’m all or nothing, babe!

But I am supposed to be GROWING in this gap, and maybe I could grow into a new happy medium.  So I’ll breathe, let yesterday go and smile towards tomorrow xxoo

I hate making mistakes.  I mean, I really, really hate making mistakes. I hate feeling like I do not have control of a situation.  I hate feeling like I have put someone out in someway.  And I hate coming to terms with the fact that I am not, and never will be, perfect.

I completely spaced a lunch date today.  It’s written right here on my calendar.  But did I look at my calendar this morning?  No, of course not.  That would make too much sense.  So my good friend Traci texted me when I was about 20 minutes late saying that she was sorry she must have had the wrong day.  I could have crawled under my car and died.  There was no excuse.  I simply did not check out the plan for the day before I started.

In spite of my best efforts, my dang personality continues to shove its way into my life.  Today I was thinking about the team dinner I am hosting for the football team on Thursday.  I was thinking about printing the pictures I need for the homecoming poster I am making tomorrow.  I was thinking about taking the recycling and going to the bank.  I was not focused my own needs and worse I was not focused on my friend.

I made this lunch date first of all because I really love this lady, of course.  And I also need that connection to friends.  I need the give and take of conversation.  I need to hear about my friends lives and live outside of myself.  I am a better person for the friendships I have in my life.  And I messed up today.

Growing in the Gap to me means finding the flaws and working to file them into beautiful facets.  Do I tend to only see what needs to be done next and ignore the people and emotions around me?….oh hells yes!  But can this flaw be filed down into something productive and not destructive?….I absolutely believe so.  And I will breathe and lean, flaws and all, into the Gap, ready to smile at the growth going on within xxoo

Short post tonight, I’m a tired girl.  It feels like it has been a busy weekend.  Mark had an AMAZING football game on Friday night and came away with a win!  We were all so jazzed up that it was hard to get to sleep.  Then last night with my aunt and uncle was so much fun, but again, I did not sleep well.  Today was spent watching football and relaxing, but how is it that too much relaxing makes you more tired!?  So with eyelids drooping, breathing slowly and smiling all the way to sleep I bid you good night xxoo

Family ties run deep

My family is in town this week!  And I am so excited.  Somehow my family being here legitimizes the fact that I am the black sheep of the family and have decided to live outside of the state lines of Texas.  Tonight we were lucky enough to entertain my Aunt Sara and Uncle Jon at our house with sushi and wine.  It is so amazing to be with the people who have known and loved you your entire life.  We told a million stories and laughed and were just us.  I love it.

My parents come in late tonight.  So tomorrow night (Sunday) we will all be able to be together for dinner here in Montana.  This will be the largest gathering of my family in Montana ever!  And I can’t wait.

I know that everyone thinks that their families are special, and all families are special.  And in that vein, my family is special.  There is no agenda, there is no posturing, there is no ego.  We are who we have always been, and we have always been loved by one another.  The relaxation and identification that comes from knowing your can’t say anything wrong is empowering.  I can’t do wrong by these people because they would never think that I was wrong.  They might think my reasoning is wrong, they might think that my logic is wrong, but they would never think that I, me, Shani, was wrong.

I hope that as my kiddos grow, they know that I would never consider THEM wrong.  I will challenge their beliefs, I will argue the opposing view, but I hope I will never make them feel wrong.  The best thing about family is the constant, the known.  And I know with every breath and smile that family KNOWS me.  Xxoo

It happened again!

I missed yesterday…it was 10 o’clock as I was climbing in bed and remembered, the BLOG!!  My computer was upstairs in Mark’s room and that just seemed too far out of reach.  So, my head hit the pillow, my eyes drifted shut and Day Fifty Four! never happened.

But, moving on, working on moving on.  It is now Day Fifty Five! and I’m back in the saddle, computer on lap, fingers tap, tap, tapping away on the keyboard.  I don’t like it when I miss a goal and sometimes (like almost every time) if I miss one day of anything (diet, blogging, exercise) I then give up on it all.  “I was going to walk everyday!  I missed today!  I failed and there is no use going on….” A little over dramatic I know, but me just the same.

But yesterday I missed writing and I have not thrown up my hands in despair and quit for good.  I am moving on.  So what?!  I set a goal I did not realize.  I’m still writing the vast majority of days.  And I have often wondered if I set unrealistic goals so that I can’t achieve them.  I try to lose weight too fast and then when I don’t hit the benchmark, I can let myself off the hook.  I don’t want to really do what I need to do to achieve these goals, but feel the need say I want to work on it. Does this make any sense?  I used to say that I wanted to run a marathon.  But the fact is I don’t want to run a marathon.  I don’t even want to run to the store!  But I want to be the type of person who wants to run a marathon.

But, I never will be.  And that’s okay.  And I will probably miss another day, or ten, during this Gap year, and that’s okay.  Finding myself, finding kindness in myself for myself fills my lungs with breath and my face with a smile.  Xxoo

Conversation with John tonight:

“I don’t have anything to write about today”

“Write about the fact that you can’t think of anything to write about”

“But I wrote about how I couldn’t write anything yesterday”

“So don’t write tonight”

“But I said I was going to write EVERYDAY”

“Then write that you can’t think of anything to write about”

And so on…..so the draught continues.  Shocking, given the fact that I am usually a very wordy person.  As a matter of fact, my husband once explained to me that he “can’t hear EVERYTHING you say”.  This Gap year is too calming and too relaxing.  I have lulled myself into a nice, comfy, apparently silent spot.

But it will come again.  I will have a break through moment.  A lightning bolt will hit and the words will pour forth in Shakespearian fashion.  Or maybe I’ll just think of a topic.  But for tonight I’m content to put myself to bed, smile and snore and dream of the next great blog.  It’s coming any day now xxoo

So in the interest of being real and truthful, I really don’t have much for you tonight.  Call it a bit of writers block….life is sailing along, me in its tide.  Writing everyday means that some days will be prolific, some will not.  And I give myself permission to not be perfect in this great Gap.  Or at least I am attempting to.  So when I brush my teeth tonight I will smile at myself in the mirror and know that my breath will come back xxoo