My comfort zone is no longer in my rear view mirror….it is a hundred miles back there in the dust!  Today I dropped off Aaron at his first sleep away camp.  He and his good friend are getting to stay in the same cabin on a beautiful lake here in Northwestern Montana:

 

But that is not the comfort zone of which I speak.  After dropping our kiddos off my friend Dani and I were looking for a river to float with our kayaks.  We had thought about the Swan River, but had heard that there was too much debris in the river for it to be safe.  Well, I would say that the Swan might have been our better bet!

Since we were discouraged from our original plan we decided to do the lower portion of our local river, the Whitefish River.  Now I have done the upper portion many times.  Super tame and easy.  Just a calm, quiet float.  The same cannot be said for the lower Whitefish.  Dani and I put in at Highway 40 and pointed our kayaks downstream.

The beginning was calm and tranquil.  We paddled some, rested and drifted some, talked a lot and soaked up the river.  Eventually we came to a tree that had fallen across the entire width of the river.  No problem!  We simply pulled up to the tree, stood on the very steady log and pulled each kayak over.  No harm, no foul!

Feeling pretty amazed at our kayaking ability, I thought nothing of it when the river began to riffle on the rocky bottom.  Point your nose toward the triangle, paddle straight and easy peasy!  But wait, what is that up ahead…..oh, another log across the river, but this one has a million little snags on it.  We won’t be standing on this one to cross.  Hmmmm,

Okay, we pull over to the side of the river, climb up the steep bank and carry the kayaks through the bushes, past thorns (OW!) and beyond the log.  A few scrapes and scratches along the way, but we are off again, paddling with abandon!  Wild Women of the West!

But wait, whaaaaa?!  Oh my!  The river current is pushing me straight into that bush!  Paddle, paddle, paddle, scream!, splash!  The kayak gets caught up against the bush and rolls right onto its side dumping me into the drink.  I stay under the water long enough for the current to take me to the other side of the bush, pop up and grab my kayak…that wasn’t so bad!  Neither was the two other times the exact same thing happened!

6 tree crossings, 3 dumps into the river and 5 hours later we made the last bend of the river and saw the barn that marked our take out.  We made it as the sun was setting!  We made it!  As I talked about in my post on Day 11, I have been known to worry about the “big water” that is to come.  Today, when I least expected big water, there it was, and you know what….it was okay.  And I did not spend one minute worrying about what was to come.  Cross that tree, hold your breath, come up on the other side of the bush and catch your kayak!

Breathe (unless you are under water under a bush) and smile (especially if you are dragging a kayak across the wilderness) and I’ll talk to you tomorrow xxoo

Super short post for today.  Super tired, super ready for bed, super need to pack Aaron for sleep away camp.  Super.  Tomorrow is another day (but hey! this counts toward once a day).  I swear I’ll be funny and wordy tomorrow.  I’m floating Swan River in the afternoon and hopefully I’ll have some good pics!  Breathe, smile xxoo

I have discovered that as a blogger (if I dare use that term!) I am going to need to get better about taking photos.  I have never been diligent about recording the moments of my life.  I have hopes that some day I will become a better photographer, that I will be able to capture what I am feeling and seeing at that exact moment.  But most of my attempts come out like this:

How did I even get a picture of this?!!  And check out this winning clip:

FAIL!!

I mean seriously!  This is my documentation of a stellar day at Tally Lake.  Earlier this week, I took Aaron and one of his friends to go cliff jumping.  I sat in my tube and worked as spotter yelling “clear” each time they were ready to take a turn.  It was a such a beautiful day.  The sun was shining, the lake perfectly calm and clear and I have very little to show for it!

I have never really minded not documenting my life in photos before.  The landscape we live in here in northern Montana is too big for me to even process, much less condense into the screen of my iPhone.  People do it for sure, but I’m just not one of those people.  So I have resigned myself to hold memories close to my heart and mind knowing that they will never be on my Facebook page or tucked away in an album.

But now that I have started this new endeavor and I’m leaning into the Gap, another goal of mine is to become a better family historian.  And part of that includes documenting our lives in photos and videos.  So bear with me, my friends, and hopefully I’ll eventually be able to show you what I see!  I did finally get one good one 🙂

Got it!

Smiling and breathing tonight as the setting sun shines through the trees xxoo

Worry, oh worry…unfortunately worry is a state I live in many of my days.  I worry that I have offended somebody.  I worry that my kids are being included and involved.  I worry that I am making the right decisions and I worry about worrying so much.

I remember a day long, long ago (my husband and I were dating) and we were tubing down a river here in Montana.  We had gone over a couple of riffles, no big whitewater or anything, but of course I was worried that it was going to get worse.  One of the friends we were with shouted “This is nothing!  The BIG water is down lower.” So I spent the rest of the trip fretting about what was to come.  He was kidding.   There was no BIG water.  But I spent the entire float waiting for something terrible to happen.  Worried about something that was never going to be.

I have in the past wished that I could see the future just to know that everything was going to be okay.  But then I thought that maybe in 20 years everything is not going to be okay and I wouldn’t want to know THAT!  So I have decided that six hours is the window of time into the future which I would like to see.  Six hours covers almost every plane ride that I have to go on.  Six hours usually is the amount of time that I don’t see my teenager if he goes out, so I would know if he makes it back okay.  Six hours would cover just enough so that I would not have to worry about the immediate future, but I would not have to live with the knowledge of some tragedy for the next 20 years.

Living in the present, the right now, is such a difficult thing to do.  For example, I am terrified of flying.  And often on a plane ride if I am in turbulence I have to think moment by moment, all is okay right now.  Like this exact second, everything is okay.  I also have several mantras I repeat to myself and no one is allowed to talk to me or touch me, but that it a blog post all to its own.

Anyway, taking things moment by moment will be a goal of mine for this gift of a Gap year.  My mom always calls it borrowing trouble.  Don’t borrow trouble.  It’s great advice and some I am trying to follow.  Don’t create scenarios is your mind which probably will never happen.  The BIG water you are worried about may just be a gentle current.  So breathe into the current and smile xxoo

What is it about riding your bike home at sunset that makes you feel like you are ten years old again?  I just rode home from downtown and I tell you I felt invincible.  Now I know I am not, but something about the wind blowing past your ears, letting the wheels take you down the hills and having confidence in your little pumping legs that is like no other feeling.

Now, I am not a serious bike rider.  I truly from the depths of my soul have no interest in mountain biking, road racing or even “clipping in” at spin class.  But riding home from downtown or just riding home in general gives you such a feeling of nostalgia.  I know who is waiting for me when I get there.  My heart is pumping and my hair is blowing.  I know the porch light will be on and I will be welcomed.  I know my place in the world and I am physically moving myself through space to be there.  Yep, bikes are okay.

Smile and breathe and I’ll talk to you tomorrow xxoo

It happened today….a rare teenager spotting.  The boy came home from football practice, did an hour Skype session with an ACT tutor and then, wait for it….went GROCERY SHOPPING with me!  I was on my way out the door when he said “Can I go with you?”  Swoon!

Meet my 17 year old, Mark.  This kid works two jobs, is captain of the football team, is studying like crazy for his ACTs, not to mention, tennis training, open gyms for basketball and, oh yeah, a decent social life, as well.  We don’t get many hours with him these days.  So an hour at the grocery store, plus having him as a captive audience in my car for the 15 minute drive each way, SCORE!

I noticed as soon as we sat down in the car that it has probably been two months since he has ridden shotgun in my car.  I ride with him more than he rides with me.  That has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t have a 14 inch sub in the rear of my Honda Pilot.  So I’m always happy to ride along with him, thumping through town.

But driving him today I realized how many car hours we had logged together before he got his license.  When he was little and we lived in Austin, Texas we had at least two hours together everyday just in traffic.  His first music exposure was Lyle Lovett, Emmylou Harris, Patty Griffin and Warren Zevon.  He would sing the first line of Dirty Life and Times as a little three year old—“Sometimes I feel like my shadow’s casting me”.  He was a very philosophical preschooler 🙂

Fast forward a few years and my little boy was still my copilot.  Road trips to Nevada, Oregon, and Idaho fill my memory.  He always loved to be on the road and he always had new music for me to listen to.  “Mom, listen to this…” was a common theme during these trips.  Some of it I loved, some not so much, but I always saw a little more of who he was becoming through what he was listening to.

So today as we were driving home, the back of the car filled with groceries, I listened carefully to what he played.  Some of it I loved, some I did not, but man I love the kid.  And as long as he says “Mom, listen to this…” you better believe I’ll be tuned in.  Thank you Gap year for slowing me down and opening me up.  Smile and breathe and I’ll talk to you tomorrow xxoo

Week Two!  Well, the first day of week two!  Whoo-hoo!

We made it back from our camping trip, all got showered and rested.  Then spent the evening at a wonderful friends house celebrating his 50th birthday and now I’m laying on the couch watching the light change from day to evening outside.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to organize, or if I need to organize this little blog of mine for the remainder of the year.  I think my main purpose for this gift of a Gap year is to find my inner voice again.  Find out what happens when I take away some of the “I have to” actions in my life and replace them with “I want to” actions.  And when did we stop listening to that voice?  That “I want to” voice.  Do we all stop listening to that voice?  It must be pretty commonplace for women to feel this way or we wouldn’t have posts like this littering our Facebook feed:

One thing I do know is that this Gap year will be different than the ones that kiddos take.  This year is not going to be filled with backpacking adventures though Europe, it’s not going to be centered on missionary work and I’m not really trying to figure out what I want to be when I “grow up”.  This year is going to be about looking back while moving forward.  Staying present while forging ahead.  Referencing the past while steering with confidence into the future.  Clear as mud, right?

So again, maybe I shouldn’t try to control this experience.  Control, see, it all comes down to control.  Bear with me, my friends, while I rumble, stumble and bumble through these next 357 days.  Together maybe we can shine the light on the path.  Stay tuned because I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring (it’s out of my control) xxoo