Today finds me waking up in an Air B&B in Bozeman, Montana just a few blocks away from Montana State University.  Last night John, Aaron and I got to go to the first ever Wildlands Festival and see Robert Earl Keen.  Swoon!  I love his music, his vibe, basically everything.  And as a bonus, Lukas Nelson was the opening act.  He was amazing and sounds just like his papa, Willie Nelson.  Such a fun night!

Then this morning we packed the truck back up and headed down to our old stomping grounds of Ennis, Montana.  John and I lived here 1997-1998 when we were first married.  John worked as a part time public defender and part time associate at a firm in Virginia City.  Virginia City is a super cool old ghost town.  Google it 😉

We got to the campground we were planning on staying at around 12:30 and were lucky enough to find one spot open.  After we got everything set up, it was time to change into our swimsuits and enjoy the Madison River which runs right next to the campground.  We sat in the river drinking beer while Aaron skipped rocks and found a fairly spectacular mud hole to stomp around in.

The sun set as we made dinner and because of the CRAZY dry fire conditions around here we skipped the campfire and had raw s’mores instead(it’s still just chocolate, marshmallow and graham crackers, it’s not like it’s going to be bad!).  Now I’m writing by headlamp and ready to snuggle into the sleeping bag.  What a beautiful day!  Tomorrow is a new one.  Smile and breathe xxoo

And I’m off!  Again into the land of no internet :). Enjoy the weekend and on Monday I’ll be catching you up on Days Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine and Thirty!  Wow, thirty!!

Smiling at the road ahead and breathing in the mountain air (cough, cough, smokey mountain air!)

So, it is happening….the big one is starting his senior year.  School does not start for another couple of weeks, but football two-a-days start tomorrow which pretty much means we are there.  He is a senior.  This is happening.

We have called him Buckaroo from pretty much day one.  He has been our little buckaroo.  We call him Buck during games, when he comes home at night and when we say good morning, it is “Good morning, Buck”.

And now he is getting there, to the place we work our whole lives to get them to and to the place we dread our whole live coming.  There are no words.  He brings so much to our house.  He is a JOY to be around and I do not know what it will be like without him here.

But there is another waiting in the wings.  Our little BooBear.  Just like Buck, Boo has had his name since about day one.  I don’t know how it started, but BooBear was what we called him from the beginning.  Boo for short.  As in, “What’s up, Boo?”.  And he has been a dutiful little brother.  He understands that he is not playing competitive soccer this fall because we can’t travel for tournaments.  Buck has 8 more games that we will EVER see him play football and we are not going to miss one.   And Boo gets it.

Boo knows that every fiber of love that we put into Buck, is the same that we have for them both.  It just happens that Buck is going first.  But the passion that we have for seeing Buckaroo succeed is the same passion that we have for seeing  BooBear succeed, as well.  The one leaving our nest this year is the one we are preening the feathers on, but that does not mean we don’t see our little one growing his own wings.

It is a balance, and always will be.  You worry about projecting favorites.  You worry about not giving enough.  And you worry about making sure it is all even. But it never is.  Life is not even.  Not even close.  Sometimes one gets more attention.  Sometimes the other does.  It has to be fluid and it has to be stable all at once.  Not even, but a nice balance.

Life is always that, a nice balance.  No one can make it even.  Life is not even, but even and balanced are two different things.  Even is everyone gets the exact same and balanced is everyone gets what they need when they need it. Even can’t happen, even in the best of circumstances.   But balance is where the magic happens.  Balance is where we find our center.  Balance is where we breathe…and smile.  xxoo

 

 

Home.  I’ve been thinking a lot about home today.  What it means to me, what it means to others.  I have never been the type that needs to stay in the same spot.  Home to me will always be who I am surrounded by and the love that is contained in the walls.  John and I moved ten time in our first eight years of marriage.  We went from Montana to Texas and back to Montana in that time frame.  But I always knew that no matter the size of the house or the state we were in, home was where we were all together.

But just tonight while I was pulling into the driveway I had the strangest sensation.  I was home.  I do love our house.  I love how I feel when I come home and I love the people and memories it contains in its walls.  When I was working so much, I never really gave much thought to the place I woke and fell to sleep.  Any of the houses in Austin were much like the other.  Shelter, a place to be when not at work.  But now, having the time to sit on the back patio and read, to wander the rooms and straighten, to bake in the kitchen with music playing, home is taking on a new meaning.

I love my spot in the world and I feel like I am just getting to know it.  But one thing I know already is when I see this view while pulling into the driveway it makes me smile and breathe deep.  xxoo

Talking with a friend tonight at the local brewery, I got to thinking about what goes on with us women as we hit this mid forties age.  It seems to me that many women (not all, simmer down) feel like they are finally in a position to set some boundaries.  Boundaries as to what we are willing to take on.  Boundaries as to what we are willing to take.  Boundaries as to what we are willing to give.

Why does it take us so long as women to set such boundaries.  And I know that I am totally over generalizing here, but looking at my friend set, at what we all seem to be saying at the same time, it seems that there are some commonalities.  One of the first common themes I see is the “I don’t want to” boundary.  Why has it taken half our lives to say, no, I don’t want to _______.

Is it being raised as female that we feel we are to please all the time?  Lord knows that being a people pleaser is absolutely seen as a benefit as a woman.  Don’t make a fuss, don’t be to vocal, don’t cause a scene.  So do we continue to go along with discussions and perform duties that truly give us no pleasure or return just so that we don’t rock the boat?  Just so that we are seen as “pleasing”?

At a certain age, I believe that you began to realize that unless you make yourself heard you could go on until the grave pleasing others and not yourself.  And that is a sad state of affairs.  There is nothing wrong with boundaries.  Knowing yours is part of knowing yourself.  I am just finding mine and recently leaving a dysfunctional situation was my first huge step in saying “It’s not okay that I am feeling this way.  My boundary has been broken.”

It’s okay not to please everyone and it’s okay to have opinions that maybe piss off more than a few.  I think women of our age have just done this people pleasing for so long that when we hit our mid 40s we understand that we only have half your life left to live as you want to live it.  And I have to start pleasing myself at some point.  If I try to be everything to everyone, I have nothing left for myself.  And I am speaking from experience here.  Nothing left.

But tonight, sitting on the back patio with my husband, I will tell you what I have left now.  I have a smile on my face and breath in my lungs and that is all I need for tonight xxoo

Hello, Day Twenty-Three!  You may have noticed that Day Twenty-Two did not happen :/

Which brings me to an important lesson that I will be trying to learn while in the Gap.  There are several things I want to work on this year.  And so I am starting a new idea:  I give myself permission to …….

For example, today I give myself permission to not always stick to the goals I have laid out for myself.  Would I like to blog everyday?  Hells yeah!  Did I miss yesterday?  Hells yeah!  I’m I going to feel like I failed and I can’t finish anything I started?  Hells……um, yeah?

But I want that to be a no!  The fact is, I am doing me this year.  Imperfect, perfect me.  Which means I am going to mess up a lot.  Always have, always will.  But my reaction to the mess is what needs to be different.  In the past I would try to make excuses, try to place blame and berate myself for never following through on the goals I have in place.

I want to lose twenty pounds.  I am really going to stick to the budget this time.  I am going to walk 10,000 steps EVERYDAY.  And……best laid plans.  Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  That is what makes me.  I can plan and try, you can plan and try and sometimes, well….we have all tried.

So here I am, back in the saddle.  I had a lovely day on a five hour float with an amazing and beautiful friend.  And I am curled up on the couch with the laptop on my lap and I will not beat myself up for yesterday.  Ehhhh, I tried.  But I am still smiling and breathing and I will try again tomorrow.  xxoo