Rough night at the football field

Mark’s first home football game was tonight.  We just got back to our house.  The team suffered a loss with a score of 37-2.  It was a tough game to watch.  Mark is splitting the quarterback role with another player and when not under center, he lines up as wide receiver.  He loves football and didn’t play his best tonight, which is so hard for him.  He expects a lot from himself.  I know this is a good characteristic and better than having an “oh well, we lost” attitude.  But as a mom, wow, it hurts to see your kid hurt.

He told me tonight that he never cries after a game until he sees me.  And, when he cries, I cry.  And sometimes Aaron cries.  It’s a whole crying thing.  So this was us tonight.  Crying and caring, hugging and hurting, no smiles and shallow breaths.  But living all the same xxoo

Growing in the Gap…..Living in the Moment

or trying anyway.  One thing you may not know about me, that I have not mentioned before is that I am a breast cancer survivor.  I was diagnosed in March of 2015 with Stage 3A breast cancer.  I underwent a double mastectomy, eight rounds of chemo and twelve weeks of radiation.

One of my friends asked me once whether I was ever going to mention cancer in my blog.  My thought was that I don’t really think of myself as a “cancer survivor”.  I consider it about 3% (maybe) of who I am.  Therefore, I thought maybe I should devote 3% (maybe) of my blog to the issue…which is 3% more than it deserves, fucking son of a bitch.

So anyway, here is one of the 3%ers.  Today my left shoulder is hurting.  Nothing major but a little twinge.  And me being who I am and having been through what I have been through, my first thought and fear is, of course, its a tumor in my shoulder.  Now, I have also recently started doing push ups.  I KNOW that this pain is from starting to work out again.  But, still….still.   This is something I will do for the rest of my life.

I have things to say to myself…..You are looking for pain with no explanation…..You are looking for lumps or bumps…..You are looking for fatigue like you had before you were diagnosed.  These are my touchstones.  My sanity keepers.  But, still….still.  This is something I will do for the rest of my life.

Living in the moment is such a cliche.  It’s a needlepoint pillow, a thought written in chalk at the local coffee shop.  But for me, it is also a reminder.  There were weeks when I did not know how many weeks I would have.  And the needlepoint pillow becomes very pointed.  How am I spending my moments?  How am I living and loving?  How I am going to be remembered?

My shoulder is fine (the other one hurts too, to a lesser degree, what are the odds?) but I will never meet a pain without fear.  But it is also a blessed reminder.  Maybe it won’t be cancer.  Maybe it will be a car wreck tomorrow.  Who knows?  Cliche or not, living in the moment deserves a moment of thought.  All my love tonight with smiles and breaths (and no more cancer talk for a while, 3%) xxoo

PS—sorry for the f word, mom and dad!  Sometimes it’s the only one that fits

Okay, I’ll be honest.  This is the first night that I thought “I really don’t want to post tonight.”  I really don’t have much to say today.  First days of school went well for both boys, I had a great lunch with great friends and then a fun afternoon with more friends 🙂  Snuggled in bed early and about to start reading.  And giving myself permission to not be wordy tonight.  Smile and breathe xxoo

Well, tomorrow is the day….back to school

The oldest is going into his senior year of high school.  Hard to imagine it happened so fast.  This year is going to be a tough one for me.  The end of something special, but the beginning of new life for him.  I know, I know, I still have all year.  But there will be a senior night for football in our near future.  And then a senior night for basketball.  And senior prom.  And senior pictures.  And college applications and growing up, up and away.  It seems like it will be a year to reflect, cry (okay, sob) and then release.  He’s so capable.  Much more than I was at his age.  And I want him to move on, it is what he is supposed to do.  But I just wish he were not so darn lovable!

And then my little BooBear is going into fifth grade.  Middle school!  Wait, what?!  He is supposed to be the baby.  When did this happen?  Unfortunately, a lot of it happened while I had my head down and heels dug in.  But I’m looking up now.  Everything is looking up now.  And I see my little “tween” ready to take on his next adventure.  He is growing up in so many ways.  And I am so glad that I am finally seeing it with rested and fresh eyes.

So, time keeps going, even in the Gap.  There will be good, sad, wonderful, lovely, devastating, emotional, beautiful moments to come.  And I will hopefully still be smiling and breathing after them all xxoo

In this year of the Gap, there are several character issues that I have with myself which I would like to work on.  One of the best things about having this time is being able to identify these issues, put a name to them and create a plan.

I have already given myself permission to make mistakes, see here:  https://growinginthegap.com/day-twenty-three/

I am also giving myself permission to set boundaries, see here:  https://growinginthegap.com/day-twenty-four/

And tonight I am giving myself permission to not like everyone in the whole, entire, crazy, wide world.  In the past, when someone has been rude, short, mean or nasty to me, I have taken this as a personal defeat.  I have tried to get into their good graces.  I have spent (no exaggeration) HOURS trying to figure out what I did to them and how to make it better.  It has always been my failure, instead of the other person’s shortcomings.

Yet recently, I have noticed that there are just some people who are not happy unless they are actively tearing down others.  It is like they thrive on making a situation uncomfortable.  And, having been raised in the South, this makes absolutely no sense to me at all.  Making someone else feel badly about themselves or nervous in a situation is basically a cardinal sin in Texas.  It’s a lot of smiling and nodding.  A lot of looking interested and asking questions.  A lot of making everything “nice.”

But I am starting to realize that these people who are not happy unless they are making someone else suffer are no different than other animals who lash out.  They are just doing what comes naturally to them— a bee stings, an ant bites and a camel spits.  And I’m not going to take it personally (well, I would probably take the camel spitting on me personally because they seem REALLY smart!).

And even above not taking it personally, I am thoughtfully giving myself permission not to like them.  I don’t have to try to think of a reason for their actions.  And I don’t have to make excuses for their behavior.  I can just stick out my tongue, flip them the bird and move on (in my head of course, I am still a Texan).  And I will smile and breathe knowing that I am choosing the people I need to fill my finite.  xxoo

It RAINED today!  I am so happy!  It has been almost two months since we have seen any traceable amount of rain and we desperately needed this shower.

And I am taking my queue from the cozy weather.  I am already cozied up in bed, ready to rest and began again tomorrow.  Today was a quiet day, but tomorrow there is much to do, including finding out Aaron’s teacher for 5th grade and his middle school orientation.

Short post tonight but long breaths and contented smiles xxoo