Friday Night Lights

smile and breathe xxoo

They came, they ate, they yelled, they left.  We hosted the football team tonight for their “team dinner”.  It is tradition for the team to eat together at a players house the Thursday night before each game.  So, with Mark being a senior, this was our last team dinner for a while.

And it was a good one.  15 pounds of chicken, 6 pounds of queso, 3 pounds of guacamole and 3 apple pies paid the ultimate price.  I got a great big hug from my big kid, then he disappeared into the garage for their meeting and rah-rah ritual.  He flew back through the house to grab his letter jacket and then he was out the door to go to the volleyball game.  Now he is at his girlfriends house helping her with homework.

Tonight reminded me of a scene from “Under the Tuscan Sun”.  The workers who have been laboring on Diane Lane’s home are done and are leaving her.  Even the young Paulo to whom she is closest.  “Even you, Paulo?” she yells after him.  “Maria is waiting!” is his reply.  Yep…..it happens to the best of us.  How can a house be so full and then so empty in such a whisper of a moment?

But in the emptiness (Aaron was at soccer, I’m not just denying his existence) there was also a quiet peace.  John and I cleaned happily together, talked and scrubbed, set the coffee and broke down tables.  I am seeing a life beyond football and Friday nights, soccer and spelling, making beds and making dinner.  And it looks pretty good, too.  I don’t do change well and our lives are going to change.  Going from two kids at home to one I think will be as big a change as going from one kid to two as we did 11 years ago.  I want guarantees about what my life is going to be like and, of course, that is impossible.

So looking into the unknown, I am holding onto these quiet moments, expanding them in my mind and seeing the possibilities.  Turning time over in my imagination and relaxing my grip on control.  Smiling and breathing as I do xxoo

In the wise words of a modern day sage “Oops, I did it again”.  I don’t know what happened last night. I didn’t even think about blogging!  I’m telling you, I am forgetting EVERYTHING right now!  I know I have a lot on my mind with homecoming next week, feeding the football team for team dinner tomorrow night, soccer practices and everyday life.  But, come on!  What is going on?!

Is this an age thing?  Am I going to forget more and more the older I get?  Am I too relaxed not working and things are slipping through the cracks?  I hate to think that when I had less time I got more done!  But sometimes I think that is the way it works.  I think you can’t afford to not be on point all the time when time is so limited.  Every minute needs to be useful and accounted for.

So how to fix this?  Organize, focus, prioritize?  Sounds like work :). But I guess it’s not that bad.  Slowing down does not mean slacking off.  I need to find a happy medium.  And, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I have no medium.  I’m all or nothing, babe!

But I am supposed to be GROWING in this gap, and maybe I could grow into a new happy medium.  So I’ll breathe, let yesterday go and smile towards tomorrow xxoo

I hate making mistakes.  I mean, I really, really hate making mistakes. I hate feeling like I do not have control of a situation.  I hate feeling like I have put someone out in someway.  And I hate coming to terms with the fact that I am not, and never will be, perfect.

I completely spaced a lunch date today.  It’s written right here on my calendar.  But did I look at my calendar this morning?  No, of course not.  That would make too much sense.  So my good friend Traci texted me when I was about 20 minutes late saying that she was sorry she must have had the wrong day.  I could have crawled under my car and died.  There was no excuse.  I simply did not check out the plan for the day before I started.

In spite of my best efforts, my dang personality continues to shove its way into my life.  Today I was thinking about the team dinner I am hosting for the football team on Thursday.  I was thinking about printing the pictures I need for the homecoming poster I am making tomorrow.  I was thinking about taking the recycling and going to the bank.  I was not focused my own needs and worse I was not focused on my friend.

I made this lunch date first of all because I really love this lady, of course.  And I also need that connection to friends.  I need the give and take of conversation.  I need to hear about my friends lives and live outside of myself.  I am a better person for the friendships I have in my life.  And I messed up today.

Growing in the Gap to me means finding the flaws and working to file them into beautiful facets.  Do I tend to only see what needs to be done next and ignore the people and emotions around me?….oh hells yes!  But can this flaw be filed down into something productive and not destructive?….I absolutely believe so.  And I will breathe and lean, flaws and all, into the Gap, ready to smile at the growth going on within xxoo

Short post tonight, I’m a tired girl.  It feels like it has been a busy weekend.  Mark had an AMAZING football game on Friday night and came away with a win!  We were all so jazzed up that it was hard to get to sleep.  Then last night with my aunt and uncle was so much fun, but again, I did not sleep well.  Today was spent watching football and relaxing, but how is it that too much relaxing makes you more tired!?  So with eyelids drooping, breathing slowly and smiling all the way to sleep I bid you good night xxoo

Family ties run deep

My family is in town this week!  And I am so excited.  Somehow my family being here legitimizes the fact that I am the black sheep of the family and have decided to live outside of the state lines of Texas.  Tonight we were lucky enough to entertain my Aunt Sara and Uncle Jon at our house with sushi and wine.  It is so amazing to be with the people who have known and loved you your entire life.  We told a million stories and laughed and were just us.  I love it.

My parents come in late tonight.  So tomorrow night (Sunday) we will all be able to be together for dinner here in Montana.  This will be the largest gathering of my family in Montana ever!  And I can’t wait.

I know that everyone thinks that their families are special, and all families are special.  And in that vein, my family is special.  There is no agenda, there is no posturing, there is no ego.  We are who we have always been, and we have always been loved by one another.  The relaxation and identification that comes from knowing your can’t say anything wrong is empowering.  I can’t do wrong by these people because they would never think that I was wrong.  They might think my reasoning is wrong, they might think that my logic is wrong, but they would never think that I, me, Shani, was wrong.

I hope that as my kiddos grow, they know that I would never consider THEM wrong.  I will challenge their beliefs, I will argue the opposing view, but I hope I will never make them feel wrong.  The best thing about family is the constant, the known.  And I know with every breath and smile that family KNOWS me.  Xxoo