Growing in the Gap…..Living in the Moment

or trying anyway.  One thing you may not know about me, that I have not mentioned before is that I am a breast cancer survivor.  I was diagnosed in March of 2015 with Stage 3A breast cancer.  I underwent a double mastectomy, eight rounds of chemo and twelve weeks of radiation.

One of my friends asked me once whether I was ever going to mention cancer in my blog.  My thought was that I don’t really think of myself as a “cancer survivor”.  I consider it about 3% (maybe) of who I am.  Therefore, I thought maybe I should devote 3% (maybe) of my blog to the issue…which is 3% more than it deserves, fucking son of a bitch.

So anyway, here is one of the 3%ers.  Today my left shoulder is hurting.  Nothing major but a little twinge.  And me being who I am and having been through what I have been through, my first thought and fear is, of course, its a tumor in my shoulder.  Now, I have also recently started doing push ups.  I KNOW that this pain is from starting to work out again.  But, still….still.   This is something I will do for the rest of my life.

I have things to say to myself…..You are looking for pain with no explanation…..You are looking for lumps or bumps…..You are looking for fatigue like you had before you were diagnosed.  These are my touchstones.  My sanity keepers.  But, still….still.  This is something I will do for the rest of my life.

Living in the moment is such a cliche.  It’s a needlepoint pillow, a thought written in chalk at the local coffee shop.  But for me, it is also a reminder.  There were weeks when I did not know how many weeks I would have.  And the needlepoint pillow becomes very pointed.  How am I spending my moments?  How am I living and loving?  How I am going to be remembered?

My shoulder is fine (the other one hurts too, to a lesser degree, what are the odds?) but I will never meet a pain without fear.  But it is also a blessed reminder.  Maybe it won’t be cancer.  Maybe it will be a car wreck tomorrow.  Who knows?  Cliche or not, living in the moment deserves a moment of thought.  All my love tonight with smiles and breaths (and no more cancer talk for a while, 3%) xxoo

PS—sorry for the f word, mom and dad!  Sometimes it’s the only one that fits