Simple.  I have been thinking of that word a lot today.  I love the word simple.  It is a concept which I seem to strive for in my life.  I want simple days.  I want a simple house.  I treasure simple joys.  But even while striving for simplicity, life can get complex.

It is that time of year.  A time when it feels like everything I will have to do in the entire school year is happening all in seven days.  There are football pictures to order, senior pictures to schedule, school supplies to buy, dentist appointments to attend, parent meetings to sit through, booster kickoffs to cheer at, and so on and so forth.  So I drag out my trusty calendar (the old fashioned paper kind) and I pencil in and cross out and list and log.

As I lean into this Gap year, I am more aware of events and situations that cause me to become uncomfortable or cause me to want to shut down.  In the past, I have always been able to attribute being “tired” or “overwhelmed” to the fact that I was working full time.  I would think that when these cluster bombs of busy times occurred they were too much to take because I was short on time and exhausted from my job.

But now, stripping away that excuse, I find that I am feeling almost the same about trying to get everything done.  I wouldn’t say I’m overwhelmed this year, but I certainly do not feel like I am breezing through this time with zero stress.  So what this is telling me is that this stress, this feeling of pressure, is an internal reaction instead of an external cause.

Aaaaannnnd…good to know, but what do I do with that?!  Learning truths about yourself and your personality is great and all, but does it help anything?  I guess knowing that internal pressure is just a truth of me can give me some relief.  It is apparently just the way I am wired.  But why find out you are wired that way without being able to ease your way out.

I really do not have an answer to that.  But as the days get busier maybe all I can do is simplify where I can.  Eat better, ride my bike, read when I get a moment and get some good restful sleep.  Maybe knowing that I am internally rough on myself will cause me to be externally easy on myself.  Maybe a little balance, breath and smiles are what I need xxoo

So we are now entering the time of smokey skies that begs the question “What else can we do inside?”.  Today I went to a movie (I went to one yesterday, too), Aaron went to the bowling alley, we have watched hours of the Little League World Series and paced the living room.  I could deal with a little smoke.  Wouldn’t slow me down in the least.  I would still be tubing rivers and hiking trails.  But this is some apocalyptic shit.  The mountains we are surrounded by are invisible to us now and there is a thin layer of ash on our cars.

So we will have to get creative.  In a small town, small valley for that matter, options are limited.  There are no arcades, no Dave & Buster’s, no Chuck E. Cheese, no Main Event.  We have a mall (kinda) but it is only stores, not a large mall like in metro areas.  I swear, the last time I went to a mall in Austin I think I dropped $50 with all the activities they have in them now.  There is a trampoline place in Kalispell, 10 miles down the road, but I don’t think they have air conditioning and usually have the large garage door open lest we all melt from the heat of sweaty, little bodies flying through the air.

We haven’t hit the indoor pool yet at our fitness center, so that may be on tap for tomorrow.  I also have to grocery shop, so walking around the store will fill some time.  But I’m tired of being cooped up.  Dare I say it?  I’m crabby!  Trying not to be, but crabby all the same.  And I know I am being silly.  We are safe from losing our house, my husband is not on the front lines fighting these blazes and in the large scheme of things we are talking about a couple of smokey weeks.

I think what I will do to improve my attitude tonight is sink into my tub with a  book and a beer, realize that in the measure of life this is only a blip and smile and breathe.  The reason I always finish these posts with those words are that when needing to get a lift for whatever reason, I point my eyes skyward and smile while inhaling.  And even if it is just for a split second, when I do this, I have a moment of joy.  A lift of heart.  So I will be looking upward a lot tonight and smiling as I do, while inhaling and focusing on the fact that it will all blow over eventually xxoo

Photos from my friend Paula H.  Same spot, different view

Holy Smoke, literally.  It is so smokey outside it smells like there is a campfire under my nose.  Hoping the rain forecasted for Monday actually makes it to the ground.  Short post tonight, good day today.  Smiling and trying to breathe xxoo

Poor Mr. Waddles.  This post Valentine’s sale item made its way home to us for the low price of $5 from Safeway last year.  And poor Mr. Waddles probably thought he was going to a good home.  I’m sure as I secured him into the backseat of my Honda Pilot he was imagining a home full of sweet children who would love him and hug him and call him their own.  I’m sure he had pictures in his head of being the guest of honor at endless tea parties.  The protector of children as they slept.  The one who would receive all the  children’s affection.

But……instead he met Aaron.  Our BooBear, who has determined at the ripe old age of 10 that he wants to be a WWE wrestler.  And poor Mr. Waddles, well, he is just the perfect size to play the foe in our little boy’s dream.  Mr. Waddles has been beaten, tossed, body slammed and pinned as I counted “One, Two, Three!” more times than I’m sure he would like to remember (or can remember after so many head injuries).

I don’t know where this love of WWE came from.  John, Mark and I had never watched a single evening of Raw or Smackdown until Aaron became sure of his life’s calling.  He came to this love all on his own.  But being a supportive parent, I have learned the difference between a RKO and a Dirty Deed.  I know who Roman Reigns is and can identify Dean Ambrose.  I have watched both Raw (Monday nights) and Smackdown (Tuesday nights) and purchased the WWE subscription so that Aaron can even watch the specials.

Do I think he is going to turn out to be a professional wrestler?  Probably not.  But what is the harm now?  I wanted to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader worse than anything in the world when I was younger.  I had a crush on Danny White and I thought that the cheerleaders had the most glamorous, exciting job in all of Texas.  I did not become a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader…..yet :), but the dream is what is important.  I will support, encourage and praise.  For my ten year old boy, that is my job.  Enough people will tell him how hard it is to reach this dream, how less than 1% of people who want to wrestle make it, how dangerous it is and bad for his body.  I don’t have to be one of those people.  There are plenty.

So poor Mr. Waddles actually has a very noble purpose.  He is the keeper of dreams.  My son’s personal training team.  And he smiles through it all (although I don’t think he breathes). Xxoo

Watching football for the first time this year, I am in the mood for fall.  Now all the summer lovers out there hate this sentiment, I’m sure.  But I love fall.  I know, it gets dark earlier, it gets colder up here in Montana and school is back.  But in the season’s  defense, it gets dark earlier, it gets colder up here in Montana and school is back 🙂

I am not good at loosey-goosey schedules.  I may have mentioned this before.  And as much as I love summer, which I do, I feel the pressure to make EVERY DAY an adventure.  If I’m not on a hike, on a river or in a tent, I feel like I am wasting these precious summer days.  I love doing all of these things, I truly do.  But by the time fall rolls around, I’m tired!  The race and pace of summer begins to wear out its welcome.

Once fall hits, I have to be home earlier at night.  It’s dark out!  I can’t be out there.  I get to hole up in my little house and curl up under a blanket.  I’m not wasting daylight, it’s not daylight!  The evening dark is cool and calm and the lights from my house exude warmth and home.

And as far colder weather, well, I will complain about it in February (I guarantee many, many bitchy posts about being cold in February).  But in the fall I am ready to trade my flip-flops for boots.  I love my jeans and sweaters.  I fold in on myself and cocoon.  And after the rush of summer, cocooning is a welcome change of tempo.

And the kids are back in school.  Does this really need more explanation?  ROUTINE!  Yay!  This is my wheelhouse.  Dinners at home and homework at the dining table.  Bedtimes and breakfasts.  I need it.  I crave it.  I love it.

So, please forgive me sun worshippers.  I know my opinions may not be well received.  But as the race of summer slows to a stroll, I find myself able to catch my breath.  And I smile to myself knowing the folding in is a needed respite.

Tonight I am sitting on the back patio as the last light fades from the sky, talking with the oldest (he’s home!) about politics and life.  I’m loving it.  We do not agree on many fronts and he definitely challenges me on my beliefs, but this is what I have raised him to do.  I want him to come to his own opinions.  Tonight when he challenged me on a point and then went on to say “I researched a lot of these events” it pleased me so.  I’m okay for him to come to his own opinions, but I am thrilled if he has facts and research to back it up.  And, believe me, I will challenge him on any fact I believe not to be legit.

One of my best friends in high school would argue with me all the time about current events and headlines.  And she would ALWAYS spout off facts and figures to me.  So the phrase “Site your source” became one of my favorites.  Even at 17 years old, I would challenge her to site her source.  My son gets no easy A here either.  If he wants to make an argument, he better site his source and it better be legitimate.

These are the times I will always remember.  These are the nights where my boy is transforming into a man.  I want to always hear his voice, I want to always hear his opinion, I want to always know his heart.  And as his laugh lights up the. night, I am smiling and breathing xxoo

Well, it has been a month!  An amazing, transformative month.  I dare say one of the best summer months I have had in years.  And being that it is a milestone of sorts, I thought a look back at previous posts to see how I am progressing in my journey of Growing in the Gap was in order.

In my very first post, https://growinginthegap.com/day-one/, I pondered what would happen if I gave myself time to find my center.  Could I return to that joyful, carefree mom of years gone by?  After a month the jury is still out on that one.  Joyful, yes!  Carefree….ehhhh.  I’m starting to wonder if my carefree days were also slightly careless days.  I was younger, yes, and I think maybe I thought I had all the days I ever wanted in front of me.  Things change and we grow older and with that comes a levity of understanding that days are not unlimited.  So can I go back to carefree totally?  No.   Do I really want to? No.  Knowing that time is limited forces me make my choices carefully, not carelessly, and I don’t think that is a bad direction to be headed.

This also brings me to my post on day three, https://growinginthegap.com/day-three/, where I discussed the fact that all things are finite.  Our time is finite and much of this year will be spent to find things worthy of filling my finite.  Have I done that in this first month?  Oh, I think so.  Camping, kayaking, hiking, loving, laughing, playing, swimming.  I have loved so many days this month.  Filling the finite with joy and with activities and people that fill my soul will continue to be the game plan for the next eleven months, as well.  Of course it’s not all rainbows and butterflies.  I can’t shirk all responsibilities and focus only on myself all year, and I wouldn’t want to.  How boring!  See day seventeen regarding this https://growinginthegap.com/day-seventeen/

Another goal that I identified for the year is living in the moment.  https://growinginthegap.com/day-eleven/  More precisely, not ruining the moment by worrying about the future.  Have I gotten better about that?  Hard to say, I think so. But there is still worry in my life.  Just the other day waiting for my little one to get home from being on the river with a friend, I was overcome with worry.  Now the worry was not going to change anything, the worry was not going to make him safe and all it did was preoccupy me from enjoying a get together with good friends.  So yes, still something to work on, but at least I can now see the cloud building and I hope that I will soon learn to blow back the storm.

And finally, I am working on setting boundaries, https://growinginthegap.com/day-twenty-four/.  This is a newly identified goal (day twenty-four, after all), but an important one to remain focused on.  I don’t think that it would be possible to truly know oneself without know ones boundaries.  So in the process of relearning myself I will also be rediscovering my “Yes, please” but especially my “No, thank you” words.

So, I think that’s it for the day.  One month in and I am truly enjoying the journey.  And so I smile looking forward to the eleven months to come and breathe deeply while I lean into the Gap.