Hello, Day Twenty-Three!  You may have noticed that Day Twenty-Two did not happen :/

Which brings me to an important lesson that I will be trying to learn while in the Gap.  There are several things I want to work on this year.  And so I am starting a new idea:  I give myself permission to …….

For example, today I give myself permission to not always stick to the goals I have laid out for myself.  Would I like to blog everyday?  Hells yeah!  Did I miss yesterday?  Hells yeah!  I’m I going to feel like I failed and I can’t finish anything I started?  Hells……um, yeah?

But I want that to be a no!  The fact is, I am doing me this year.  Imperfect, perfect me.  Which means I am going to mess up a lot.  Always have, always will.  But my reaction to the mess is what needs to be different.  In the past I would try to make excuses, try to place blame and berate myself for never following through on the goals I have in place.

I want to lose twenty pounds.  I am really going to stick to the budget this time.  I am going to walk 10,000 steps EVERYDAY.  And……best laid plans.  Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  That is what makes me.  I can plan and try, you can plan and try and sometimes, well….we have all tried.

So here I am, back in the saddle.  I had a lovely day on a five hour float with an amazing and beautiful friend.  And I am curled up on the couch with the laptop on my lap and I will not beat myself up for yesterday.  Ehhhh, I tried.  But I am still smiling and breathing and I will try again tomorrow.  xxoo

Laying here listening to Elephant Revival in my pajamas, I am happy.  Not much to say today.  Spent the day getting food ready for a barbecue we had tonight for a few friends.  Lovely summer evenings, lazy summer mornings, abundant summer days.  It’s just all so good.  I’ll be wordy again soon, but as for tonight, the peace is overwhelming.  Smile, breathe xxoo

Huckleberries!!  Yay, huckleberries!!  We here in northwestern Montana wait patiently all year long for these lovely purple berries to make their appearance.  And now is the time!

Aaron and I, along with my friend Angie trekked up the Danny On trail at Whitefish Mountain Resort today searching for our purple gold.  The hike up was easy and Aaron was (fairly) willing to trudge uphill.  After about a mile we found a great patch.  We each climbed up the slope and found our bushes and began picking

One of the things I am learning by being in the Gap is that these things that fill my soul have been here all along.  I haven’t picked hucks in years.  I haven’t done long hikes in years.  I haven’t had the energy in years.  Now I know that there are PLENTY of people out there that can do it all.  Work 50 hours a week, enjoy their family, have the time and energy to participate in activities that fill their soul.  I am just not one of them, yet.  Perhaps once I go so far with the pendulum swinging towards self, I will be able to figure out how to go back to work with some balance.  All I know is that I was not there before and I’m not going back until I learn to create some boundaries.

So choosing self and family has been the right choice for me….not for everyone and certainly not for the ones who can do it all.  But not being able to do it all is not a character flaw.  It’s just where I am right now and where I may always be.  So I will smile for the ones who can do it all and breathe for those of us who can’t and I will look up and see my sweet boy picking berries for the first time in years and know that I really do already have it all.  xxoo

 

 

 

Well, good evening all!  It was a super busy day today helping a friend hang some pictures, going on a great walk and seeing Teen Titans GO! with Aaron.  Now I’m home lying on the bed, typing away and trying to get up the gumption to play some pickle ball this evening 🙂

It seems that I’ve settled into a pretty good summer routine.  Three or so mornings a week I get to meet my friend Suzi for a walk on our local trail.  I come back home then and get breakfast made for Mark who is usually coming home from football practice about then.  I drink coffee while Aaron and I decide how to spend our last few weeks of summer and then off we go to enjoy.

And I know that I am someone who needs routine.  I would like to be a fly by the seat of my pants, throw caution to the wind type, but I am just not.  I like plans.  I like order.  I like boundaries and these are all satisfactions that I used to get by working.  Trying to incorporate my spreadsheet personality with a little looser life is going to be interesting.  I just created a graph on our whiteboard at home that has Monday-Sunday written down and each family members initials on it.  Now we all have a little square for every day and we can write down our plans and schedules on it.  Truly it’s a sickness.

Oh control.  My true north star.  I may not ever loose you completely, but maybe I’ll be able to see a few more constellations in the coming year.  Remember to look up and find your stars, breathe into the night and smile knowing that morning brings the chance to lean a little further into the Gap.  xxoo

My internet went down last night, so here I am a day behind and a dollar short 🙂

But yesterday was a good day!  I got to go pick my little one up from sleep away camp.  I was so excited to see him again.  I swear he grew two years in the four days he was gone.  He had lost his voice and told me stories of pranking other cabins, building the bonfire and dancing (!) with girls.  He had a great time and is still sleeping this morning, catching up I’m sure.

But the best part about picking him up yesterday is that I was able to be there.  In years past my husband and I would have looked at the calendar, looked at each other and both said “I can’t miss work again”.  One of the main purposes of this gift of a Gap year is to be present.  To be there.  Anywhere I’m needed and everywhere I’m wanted.

Believe me, I understand what a luxury this time is.  I do not take for granted what we are missing by me not working.  Not to mention that I LIKE working. I like being part of a team and I like the satisfaction received from a job well done.  But for now and for the next 346 days my job is me and my family.  My team lives in my house and heart and the satisfaction is in a life well lived.

Smile and breathe especially during internet outages and I’ll talk to you later tonight xxoo

Even in the height of summer, a little work must fall.  All my friends in Northwestern Montana will understand the dilemma….we get around 10 beautiful, warm, sunny weeks a year.  And we are in the midst of it right now.  However my calendar today looked like this:

The struggle is real!  The great big ball of fire in the sky is telling me to play, but at some point we do have to get our clothes clean.  The younger one was in his swimsuit for 10 days straight!  So I gritted my teeth and got it done (mostly).  I was then able, with a clear conscious and clean clothes, to go to dinner at Stillwater Fish House here in Whitefish with new friends.

So, tomorrow is another day.  The sun should be shining and we will no longer be smelly :). And I get to pick up Aaron from sleep away camp!  I’ve missed him like crazy.  Breathe and smile and I’ll catch up with you again tomorrow….xxoo

You guys, I am finding my groove!  Today was a great day in the Gap 🙂

My good friend, Angie picked me up bright and early this morning at 6 am and we were on our way to Glacier National Park.  We were going to hike to Gunsight Lake, which is about a 12 mile hike.  Now it has been awhile since I have hiked like this.  Years ago before I followed my job down the rabbit hole and refused to look up, I would hike 18-25 miles in a day.  But today was a great first step in getting back into myself.

After entering the park and driving the beautiful Going to the Sun road (trust me, google it) we got to the trailhead and hit the trail at 8 am.  The morning was already warm and the mosquitos were out in force!  But we moved on down the trail, talking and laughing and made it the 6.2 miles into the lake by 10:30.  We had a snack, took a couple of pics (YAY!, thanks, Angie) and turned back to the trail to head down to the car.

Then a funny thing happened on the way down the trail.  We met a couple of women about a mile from the lake.  They were heading up and we were heading down.  Now they looked pretty spent, so it was no surprise when they asked us about how much further they had to go before the got to the lake.  When I told them about one more mile one of the women asked us “Is it worth it?”

How do you answer a question like that for someone else?!  What exactly do you mean?  It’s heaven on earth and is it worth another mile when exhausted?  For me, of course!  Yes, yes and yes!  But I am not this women.  Would she think is was worth it when she got up there?  What was she loosing by continuing on to the lake.  Is it worth your first born child?  No.  Is it worth a little pain and discomfort?  Hells, yes!  Angie and I scratched our heads on the way down wondering what kind of answer she was hoping for.  Did she want us to say “No, it’s really not that special.” so that she had an excuse?  What was she looking for?

I told her is was spectacular (it is) and that the trail flattened out in just a bit making the hiking a little easier.  They continued on up the trail.  But I am so curious to know if it was “worth it” to her.  Finding things worthy of my Gap time, of filling my finite, is my full time job at the moment.  So I hope we did not lead her in the wrong direction.  I hope it was worth it for her and I hope she smiled and breathed when seeing the lake. xxoo